"When I Grow Up"

A few weeks ago Aliya and Evan followed me into the bathroom while I was changing my pump. My children are probably the most informed on the actual nitty-gritty of my diabetes care.  They watch me draw out my insulin, insert new infusion sites, poke my fingers to check my blood sugar, and come with me to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions. They know the pokes only hurt sometimes, and only for a minute.  They know I sometimes have to check my blood sugar before we leave the house, start eating, or go on a walk. They know I’m coming around the corner when they hear the beeping of my pump.  I sometimes wonder if that beeping of the pump is familiar to them from the moment they’re born. If they recognize those beeps like an infant recognizes family members’ voices.  It’s what they’ve always known.

During this last observation Aliya asked me, “Mommy, when I grow up will I change my pump site too?”  The question hit me hard.  Essentially, she was asking me if she’d have diabetes when she grows up. I smiled and took a deep breath.  How do I answer this one?  My immediate answer is, “Oh God, I hope not.  Everyday I hope not.”  You see the fear is there.  I still panic if one of them wakes up to pee in the middle of the night.  I watch how much they drink during the day and make a mental note if they seem to be drinking more than normal.  I wonder if I will miss the signs.  If I won’t notice the weight loss, the cold that just lingers, the hunger that can’t be filled.  And I wonder how I would raise a child with diabetes.  How will I not feel guilty about the finger pricks, insulin shots, careful carb counting, the life that would never be as it was?

But, I don’t want her to be afraid. I don’t want her to end up with this disease and be scared because of me. At five years old, I’m not ready to have her worried about diabetes.

Another deep breath.  “Hopefully your pancreas won’t ever stop working.”  It seems to do the trick for now.  

I know the day will come that she learns more.  That she worries about my health because I have diabetes.  Everyone knows the complications that can come with this disease, and I’m sure it won’t be long before she understands how those complications might effect her Mommy.  But for now I want to protect her.  I want her to see that even with diabetes her Mommy can accomplish all of her dreams.  And more than anything, I want her to know that she can too, with or without diabetes.