What if...

(Sorry if this is a repeat for some of you. I originally wrote this a while back for my www.diabetessisters.org blog.)

Do you ever play that “what-if” game in your head?  What if I hadn’t gone on that high school surf trip where I began to fall in love with the man who turned out to be my future husband?  What if I hadn’t taught next door to the other new teacher who is now one of my best friends?  Most of the time this little game ends with me being reminded that everything seems to happen for a reason.  But then sometimes I wonder, what if I didn’t have diabetes… 

I guess it’s similar to the “why me” question.  It’s easy to go down that road of what ifs… maybe I could have had complication-free pregnancies and deliveries of my babies.  Life would be nice without shots, infusion sets, finger sticks, visits to the endocrinologist, eye doctor, dentist, or perinatoligist.  I wouldn’t have to worry about my kids inheriting this disease, or the possibility of something happening to me because of diabetes.  Or to just be able to eat a big pizza dinner (my favorite) with a scoop of ice cream afterward and not have to wake up with a blood sugar of 300 at 3 am.

But then I have to stop myself because some other thoughts enter my head.  The truth is that just maybe my life without diabetes might not be as sweet as it is.  Without diabetes I don’t think I’d know my body as well as I do. The food my family and I eat probably wouldn’t be so healthy because I’ve learned so much about a well-balanced diet (not just for people with diabetes, but for everyone!).  I know I wouldn’t have met some of the amazing friends I have who also live with diabetes.  My life would be missing some phenomenal women!  I’m pretty sure I never would have trained for and run a marathon, and I don’t know that exercise would be such an important aspect of my life.  Ironically, I wonder if I am in fact healthier because of this disease!

 But lately, most scary is to think that I may not have my three beautiful children.  I was motivated to have my kids sooner rather than later because of my diabetes.  I figured the less time diabetes had to take its toll on me, my organs, my eyes, before getting pregnant, the better.  So I sometimes wonder if I may have ended up teaching longer, if I may have put off having children and not ended up with the three angels I have.

I often joke with my husband that maybe our kids are sweeter because of my diabetes.  They did grow for 9 months in my overly sugary body.  Maybe that extra sugar seeped into their personalities.  (Okay, I know that didn’t happen, but I do think they are a little more understanding at times.)  They’ve had to learn at a young age that they may need to help mommy if my blood sugar gets low.  They understand that sometimes they can’t have a juice box, candy, or snack because mommy needs it.  They are patient for their age.  Waiting in the car while I check my blood sugar and then run back into the house for a snack.  “Mommy was your blood sugar low?” my daughter will now ask.  They know it sometimes hurts when I have to insert a new infusion set or prick my finger tips, and they quietly watch me do these tasks with a little bit of worry mixed with wonder in their eyes.  

So, life would be different without diabetes, but maybe, just maybe, not quite as sweet.