Baby Fingers

I sometimes wonder how my diabetes affects my kids. They will only know a mom who has type 1 diabetes. They recognize the beeps and buzzing from my pump. It is often that all four of us are crowded into the bathroom during an insulin pump change. (It is hard to ask a 5, 3, and 1 year old to give me some privacy. Either they’re in there too, or pounding on the door to be let in.) They don’t even blink at the sight of a needle. “Does it hurt?” They often ask as I poke a new infusion site into my body. “Just for a minute,” I answer them truthfully.

They are wrapped up in this disease. They know it more intimately than anyone else because they are with me, watching me take care of not only their needs 24-7, but the needs of this disease.

The truth is, I probably take more blood sugar tests with a child on my hip than with out. At 11 months I watched in awe as Jake’s little bubbly finger went onto the end of my lancet device. He knew exactly how it worked before he was even a year old.

Bad Diabetic

I’ve been a “bad” diabetic lately. I know I’m not supposed to judge myself and all that, but honestly the other labels seem worse. Bad mom, irresponsible, or just plain stupid.

The other day the kids and I were getting ready to head to the library. I was planning on having a little snack before we left so I took some insulin for the snack. The problem was I got distracted before I could even make it over to the cabinet to get any food. I can’t remember if the kids started arguing or if Jake was crying and needed me, but something happened that distracted me for just long enough. I just continued to get the kids ready. Socks and shoes on, books all gathered and ready to return, I felt kind of organized! Then we loaded up and were on our way. As we were walking into the library I remembered. I had taken insulin, but completely forgot to eat.

My mom, sister, and nieces were all with us. I could feel the low creeping up on me, but told myself I’d just get into the library, let the kids get settled, and grab something from my purse. Bad diabetic moment #2: nothing to eat in my purse. Somehow I had forgotten to replenish my glucose tabs and lifesavers. I hate it when I do that! I just feel stupid. I wasn’t ready to gather everyone up and leave the library because I might get low. The kids were having such a nice time, and I hate letting diabetes and my stupidity ruin a good moment. Maybe the low blood sugar makes me extra irritated at myself and allows me to continue to make poor decisions. Who knows why, but I continued to sit there while the kids played knowing I had taken insulin, not eaten, and was going low.

We finally started to gather up the kids to head out. I was starting to feel sweaty now, and realized it was going to take us a while to get the books gathered up, checked out, and all of us out the door. Too long. Fortunately my mom was there. “Mom, can you see if there’s a vending machine or something?”

“You low?”

“Yup.”

The librarian informed her that they don’t have a vending machine, so she left in search of something. My sister and I checked out the books with the kids, and as we walked out the door my mom appeared with some orange juice.

I quickly felt better, but stupid. These are the moments I hate this disease. When not only does it come close to ruining a perfectly nice outing, but then I have to feel bad about my decisions. My life feels too busy with raising kids, keeping up with all the housework, trying to maintain friendships, help with school, family etc... to squeeze in the diabetes on top of it all. Ugh.

Sorry about the rant, I’m just over it.